It's almost 2:30 am and I'm not tired.

And I realized that I haven't written anything since fall semester. For some reason I am really tempted to start posting again. Who knows what the next few days will bring? Lots of stuff happened in the past semester.

An aside: One complaint: why can't professors just post those goddamn grades? I mean do they really love just holding on to them and making students freak out? AHHH!

I have a paper due on Thursday which is stressing me out but I don't care. The stress, the writing, the deleting, all of it is what I live for. I love the thrill of the chase of research. And even though I felt like I was going to fall flat on my face, I didn't. I'm so lucky that I have a great support group like my parents, grandparents, Geoffrey, and my professor of course. The more I'm in the PSCI office the more I'm thinking about maybe becoming a professor or some sort of academic. And its this research paper that has been affecting my thinking. I've been reading a lot of interesting articles on my CEE/EU/Russia topic and it just makes me want to get a Master's degree. I could become a legal scholar of EU laws....this is why I want to become a lawyer because law=research=writing=me happy. Okay, back to the paper.

I am going to update...tomorrow. I just haven't had the time to sit down and do anything that doesn't involve school. I'm behind in two classes and I hate it when I let myself do it. You think saying I'll read it later is going to actually mean I'm going to read it later but it doesn't until you have a week filled with exams and you need to know what the hell is written in those books. My weekends have been eventful to say the least. More on that later.

The Lanahan Readings are calling me....

"And the award goes to...Gym Class Fall Out."

Why Jennifer Garner, why?



Still going to see The Kingdom when it comes out....September 28th.

I have realized that I have been neglecting my LJ. There was times when I started to update but then deleted an entry because I was too lazy to finish it. But I figure I should update it so that a few years from now I can laugh at myself like I did the other day rereading my old entries. So here is goes:

Spring semester ended on a very good note. I managed to get a mix of A's and -A's. I think me getting an -A in Ethics was a shock and it gave me this confidence that hey I can understand complicated material and write a paper defending a point or proving it wrong. And because I did well and got the material, law school ( I know it makes no sense but in my mind it does) doesn't seem that frightening anymore. I feel like I can handle the LSAT's, with studying for it of course. I'm not going into that exam blind. But it gives me hope that since I figured Ethics out, I can figure out Logic Games.

The summer began and seemed as if it would never end. 4 months. Almost. I wanted to get a job at this camp in Freehold that provided transportation and a nice salary. But of course my dad wanted me to go to Poland and the job would have made it impossible. It was the first time in a very long time that I argued with him about something. I got him to promise that next summer I can get a job. His reasoning is that I have the rest of my life to work and that I should relax after a hectic first year. I see his point but what he fails to understand is that I need to build my resume and helping my grandparents on the farm is not going to count. I love them and I miss them everyday but I need to start thinking about my needs a little bit more.

Geoffrey and I saw each other often; he would come over then I would go over his house. And that's what most of my summer looked like. We made it through the summer which surprised me. I don't know why. Sometimes with our relationship I feel like things are going to fall apart. I guess it maybe that I'm only 18 and I'm a little scared that I have this amazing person in my life that I can connect with and be me with and who knows the real me and that is scary. He knows when I'm pretending to be alright when I'm not and he knows my little quirks and he can finish my sentences at times and he just knows my goals, my dreams, my fears etc. All of that can be a little overwhelming at times but the thing is I know that I was happy with who I was when Geoff was not in my life. I was very pleased with me. And I know that I can be happy without a guy in my life. But being with him makes me even happier because now I have someone I can share and experience things with; its not just me. I like having him there. People can think what they want; that I'm too serious with him or that I'm too young to be thinking like this, well screw them lol. I know that I don't need a guy to make me happy. I know who I am and I am still learning about myself. And I have Geoffrey there along for the ride. Life is not meant to be lived by yourself. And because I feel that I have found someone incredible and worthwhile, doesn't mean that it's a negative thing. It's positive. We both have our interests and respect each other and most importantly show an interest in each others lives. Life sucks. We all know that. Things happen while other things don't and I believe that having someone there at the end of the day to share all of your ideas, dreams, concerns, or whatever with is the best feeling in the world.

We went to Poland at the end of July and came back on August 24th. Planes suck because of turbulence. The weather was great and my tan proves that. I got an allergic reaction from a joint cream (my knee was killing me because of the running) and I didn't read the little pamphlet that said no sun exposure. So I had this bad rash, itchy and everything but it is slowly going away. I went to a wedding; danced. Had 5 shots of Smirnoff Vodka throughout the course of the night. No I was not drunk. But I managed to get drunk at my friend's house a few weeks later. It was the first time where my eye sight was distorted and I couldn't walk straight. But I didn't have a hangover the next weekend. But a certain someone did get plastered and it was pretty funny. I worked out and managed to tone up. A lot. And I am still continuing my workout.

I moved back to school last Sunday after not wanting to come back. I am scared that I'm going to fuck up something. And my boyfriend is planning on conquering the world this semester with millions of little things. He is so excited about it. His face lights up when he talks about his plans. I think they are a bit unrealistic but the real problem is that I'm kind of mad that I am having issues filling my schedule up like he is.

I just want to end this entry with something motivational, something that has been helping me get through all this uncertainty etc:

"You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

Next year = Haselton 213....hahahaha

I can't believe that I forgot how amazing Jack Johnson is.....I can't even describe his music. And Stacie, the Jack Johnson poster is definately going to be in our room next year. Forget what I sai d earlier!

And I think Geoff and I finally have a song.

I created a Facebook Group called, "Drew University Mourns with Virginia Tech." I needed to do something to show VT that Drew supports them and that we are hurting with them. I am feeling so helpless, scarred, sad, and angry about this. Violence in school should not happen. School is for learning and for teaching. 33 innocent lives were lost. 33. Just like that. Some idiot who couldn't ask for help decided to hurt innocent people and for what? What good reason could anyone have for killing others? There is no good reason. I sit in class now and I all I can think of is what would I do if something happened. I sit in fear. I took a nap the other day and I had a dream where Geoffrey and Stacie got shot. All we can do is pray for the lives lost, pray for the families, and the community of VT.

The whole school shooting at Virginia Tech has got me really scared. I had a bad dream about it when I took a nap this afternoon and in the dream Geoff got injured as did other people. I'm just scared to sit in class now. When Columbine happened, I was freaked out and I made these weird escape plans from class in my mind, but in all honesty I have no idea how I would act if anything like this happened at Drew. And I hope to God that it doesn't. I don't understand why people have to resort to violence. The guy that did was a loner and I get that but it doesn't mean you should kill innocent people. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I just pray for the families that lost loved ones in this tragic event. May they all rest in peace.

In other news, I have an Ethics paper, a Russian Exam, a research paper, and a Biology exam all in the next two weeks. And it just seems like so much to me. I'm alittle overwhelmed but most of that anxiety is because of my Ethics paper because I just got confused with it the other night, but I'm slowly making sense of it again.

And in more negative news, my laptop crashed. I got the 'blue screen of death.' CNS is fixing it and they said it would be two days so I should be getting it back tomorrow or Thursday. I was approved for a loaner (its huge and ugly lol. For most of Monday I felt really disconnected from the world.

I'm also officially a Political Science Major and Russian minor. Hahaha. My new (and fabulous) advisor is Professor Andrea Talentino. I registered for next semester and so far I'm taking European Politics, Intermediate Russian, Microeconomics, Post-Soviet Literature, and American Gov't and Politics but that may change to Political Ideologies since my advisor said the philosophy of politics is so connected to most of the courses taught at Drew. I'm still making up my mind about.

I can't feel my thumbs.

I win. I just finished my 2nd Ethics paper; hopefully Neufeld will get back to me soon. Other then that this week has consisted of me freaking out over writing the paper and trying to find an amazing dress for Michelle's Sweet Sixteen. The party is going to be held at a Russian restaurant, so that means that I will be partying it up like a fiend with "the boy" as Cheryl likes to call him.

My roomate situation really worked out well. I mean we talk, we laugh, we have a class together, and we have people entering my room with funny things to say. Like tonight Amy came in and told us about the blueberries which I will elaborate on in a later entry because I'm too tired to do that now.

I have a Russian exam on Friday, which translates into me studying tomorrow. Oh and I got my housing lottery number; 421 or something like that...it sucks but what are you going to do. Stacie got something in the 300's and she is picking a day earlier or something so hopefully we will score a room in Baldwin or Haselton; I'm going to pray for it.

Now I must go memorize a dialouge for Russian Conversation.

I just got an IM from a friend that I haven't spoken to since graduation. I had a crush on him and we tried the dating thing but he screwed stuff up. I get this IM while I am studying for my midterm and he says that he is really stupid for messing things up with me. And I just looked at that and laughed.

I went through so much shit with guys during high school. And nothing ever worked out. My heart was broken many times. And now when I get to college, I find the most amazing man in the world. Someone who understands me in a way that words can't explain. With him I find myself at ease and being who I am, without holding anything back. And my mom was right, good things happen to good people and the best thing happened and is happening and will be happening to me and that is Geoffrey.

Karma has a funny way of making things come full circle in a way. I wish my friend all the best but it's not my fault you fucked up and pissed me off. I hold nothing against him but my whole heart and soul and being for that matter belongs to one person.

Fuck midterms!

My professor is a nice guy he really is, but his definition of easy and the classes definition of easy is completely different; in a 360 degree way. The midterm is tomorrow and all the freakin' theories are loose in my brain, it is as if they do not want to organize themselves. I have been studying since the middle of last week. Whoever came up with the theory that the brain memorizes things better the earlier you start to study was high on cocaine because my rem(sp?) cycle is broken.


Fuck midterms!

Colored pencils and biology. Read then walk. Card. White Roses. Cheesecake Factory. I love you.

In about 10 minutes, I will be celebrating a huge milestone in my life

Spring Break began on Friday after I ended my Russian class....I spent the weekend at my love's house and then I've been home since Sunday afternoon. It's nice to be home, eat a normal meal, not take a shower but a bath with out any footwear on lol. I missed my parents and I know that me being home makes them really happy. I think on Monday my sister and I were running around the house, laughing, and my mom came in later and said it's nice to have the two of you making noise again :) I haven't been doing anything insanely interesting. I epilated my legs, did some homework and I still have a bit left, on top of studying for a Comparitive Political Systems midterm on Wed. I'm probably going to finish the bulk of it today for the sake of not spazzing out later.

On Saturday, Geoffrey is coming over! The two of us, plus my sister are going to a Baskov concert in Atlantic City.... :) It's going to be fun. And I have made a pledge to start working out again. I've been gaining and losing 5 pounds on and off which is not a big deal, but I just want to get back into shape and tone up. And get the energy I had when I ran in the past. I was more awake and stress free and I felt amazing so I just want to get all of that back. We are probably going to go to the gym on Monday. I hope I can run those 2 miles on top of some core workout. We shall see we shall see.

And I will just mention this so that I have it off of my back....It is amazing that the people closest to us have the ability to hurt us the most.

I just found out that Stacie will not be my roomie. After a long process of things, Lauren was approved for medical housing and I have a vaccancy, so Stacie handed in the paperwork and a day I found out that a girl on my floor, Kristen, was looking for a new room because she has had issues with her roomate. She came to me asking if it would be ok to room with me and I told her the situation and she said its cool. But my RA emailed me saying that the school has a policy that gives priority to people on my floor before anyone else....so Kristen welcome to my dorm....I hope I'm not annoying or anything lol. She's very nice and a Poli Sci major as well and we have Comparitive Political Systems together. I'm very sad that Stacie can't move in because she is my best friend and we had this whole thing planned lol but whatever. Policy is policy. I just hope she doesn't mind Geoff being there all the time.

Everything turned out okay.... :)

Oh and I had a pop quiz in my Comparitive Political Systems class and I called it too...I told Geoff that I was going to have one today and I did. The only question that was giving me an issue was the first one because the way it was worded but whatever. And on the third question...haha...I convinced my professor after class to give me credit for it. Why you may be asking well I will tell you. It said "In direct democracy" and I'm sitting there thinking in-direct or in (a) direct democracy. Well I put down C when it was supposed to be A, which means that he was talking about in-direct but I told him that his syntax was a alittle hard to understand so yea...I got credit.

Taking a risk has its benefits.

The Russian opera wasn't that bad either, but I need to do some work so I will talk about it later.

This evening sucked to say the least. I picked up my Russian homework from Embury and I just got pissed off beyond belief. The exersices were a general review so all the cases that we have worked with such as prepositional, accusitive, and now genitive were on there and I kinda forgot how to recognize which case was which so I got some stuff wrong. I mean I got a check/check plus so it wa snt all that bad but I was looking at the red on the papers and I just got angry. I mean I study for it, I do. There are days where I don't want to do anything in any of my classes because I'm lazy but we all get like that sometimes. But Russian isn't even a class to me because I have so much fun learning it and being in that room. Professor Ueland is...wow. If you get the chance, take a class with her...she knows all about Russia. But back to the homework, so I kept looking at the red ink on it, most of the mistakes were stupid things, but that's because it was late and I was doing the homework so I take the blame for that. But the other things, I was just looking at it and thinking why don't I seem to remember how to distinguish the damn cases? So Geoff tries to help me and I just didn't want help, because I don't like asking for it since I think it makes me look weak, but to tell you the truth that was my mentality in high school. Since I've been in college, I have realized it doesn't make you weak it makes you a stronger person and it's really not that big of a deal. But I was just so pissed that I didn't want any help. And I have no idea how Geoff was able to stand me acting like a child. And then we got into an arguement and we kinda of yelled at each other and I got up, took my stuff, and left the library. But the amazing person that he is, he ran after me and stopped me. So we talked in the freezing cold. But we are fine now. I am not going to bed angry lol.

But what I realized through that arguement is that Geoff really loves me. It sounds weird but it makes a lot of sense to me. He didn't let me leave, he stood out there in the freezing rain with only a sweatshirt keeping him warm, and he tried to resolve whatever was bothering me. I know that if this was someone else they would be like whatever you wanna be a bitch go back to your dorm. But he stayed. He stayed there with me and calmed me down, like he always does. And I'm just amazed by that because in that moment when we were outside in the cold, and the rain began to fall, I saw his amazing brown eyes looking into mine and I knew that everything would be okay. The Russian exam would be fine. I would be fine. How many times can I say that I love that boy? Not enough.

Well I am going to bed. I'm going to study more tomorrow because Environmental Bio was cancelled; Professor Fox is sick :(

Wish me luck on my Russian Exam. доброй ночи.

So it's almost Thursday. I'm glad that the weekend is almost here...it feels like the week has been never ending. I had an exam in Environmental Biology and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be considering I was behind in the reading. Hopefully, my explanation with the natural selection question makes some sense hehe. On Friday I have a Russian exam; oh genitive plural...how I loathe thee. It's not as bad as it sounds but the irregular nouns are a royal pain in the ass. Speaking of royal, Casino Royale is coming out on DVD in March...woot woot. Daniel Craig plays a better Bond then Brosman, but that's just my opinion.

Geoffrey and I went to Starbucks to get some hot coco and we ate this amazing coffee crum cake...mmm. Before that we went to Staples to get Geoffrey a planner because he needs to organize himself a little better. But school has been a little stressful as of late, I guess it is because I'm a bit behind in the readings for my classes. I will try to catch up this weekend. Saturday is going to be amazing because we are going to a Russian Opera at the MET in NYC; "Eugene Onegin". Original novel by Pushkin (Father of Russian Literature) but opera by Tchyichovsky. I'm going to get all dressed up in my cocktail dress and Geoffrey is going to be in his suit. All I'm saying is that that will be lucious.

I need to clean up my room a bit. Oh and my Cheburashka doll is going to be here soon!